Learning to control my anger!!!

Hey Hey now!!!! It has been a minute... smh at my ownself! I have a hard time keeping focused, I don't know why... but none the less I promised God to keep this blog going soo... HERE I IS!!! lol When I was a kid I can't recall not even one time that I was angry.. well up until the age of twelve. I was always a happy kid, I was bossy as all get out but I was happy lol. Matter of a fact I dont think I was very angry even in my teen years. It wasnt until I became an adult that I realized I had an anger issue. There is one thing that I am ashamed of about myself, one flaw. I get angry very quick. at first I didn't know how to mask it or dumb it down. Like, if you upset me about something I would go from 0 to 1000 in 60sec. What really makes me ashamed of it is I totally black out. So things come out of my mouth that I will not remember unless I am told afterwards. Actions will occur before a thought of what I am doing will come into mind. Please note that this is not boasting or me trying to be tough, this is my truth and I hope that it reaches someone else with anger issues.. bare with me. My anger is alot of the time associated with family, death, my children, or my husband. These things are my triggers and unfortunately I can not sit here and say that I am completely set free of my anger issues, cause honey im not. I am however better than I was before. The first time I really noticed I had a problem was when my brother died. Most of the time I get angry over being hurt. I was very hurt when he died for a lot of very strong reasons, I will not go there cause I might get mad again lol. It was this time that I scared my aunt who had never saw me soo enraged and my husband but most importantly myself. After they played back the things that I said and the actions I took .... I was embarrassed. not because of what I had done or said to the person my anger was directed to but to the people in my life that watched me act like this. I remember someone saying to my husband tell her to stop, or get her, all he said he could do was let me get it out. I have a very strong memory always have, and I have developed a mechanism to somewhat control the anger I have. I watch ppl very closely, I observe manneurisms and things that are said and i store them to memory. Im very ashamed of it. Very. I have spoken to a counselor about it, but I have realized I have to give it completely over to God. I do not like to be associated with it. Sometimes people will joke about it to make light of the situation but it only makes me sad. Im being honest. I recently blew up, Ihad good reason how ever that doesnt make what I did right and immediately after the situation had deesculated I went into total embarrasment. I wont lie if the situation were to arise again I cant say I wouldnt act the same way again.. and that frightens me. to be honest I am ashamed even just writing this now. I know however that god gave this to me to give to some one else to let them know they are not alone. I am striving to be a better me everyday. to be christlike and slow to take offense. I remind myself daily that being angry and letting emotions choke you into anger are not christlike. I want to be just like Jesus. I will get there, just gotta keep pushing PRAYING UNTIL SOMETHING HAPPENS!! God has given me so many gifts and most recently he has given me peace. I am learning to let things roll off my shoulders, the little things that do not deserve my anger. People will push you daily just to see how far you go. I refuse to fold! this is my declaration that I will be a better woman of God, that I can turn the other cheek. You really dont know the weight lifting I feel right at this moment even in just writing this blog. God gave me this blog so that I could release. Thank you Father! Lets Pray. Father, I am so grateful for your love. For the peace you have given me, the joy that you have placed in my heart. Father I ask that you remove the anger that has built it self up in me and in my readers.. I pray that we learn to turn all negatives into positives and be a more loving people towards one another. Father I ask that you stifle my mouth in the face of adversity, give me the words to use to defeat the enemy without steppin out of character. Father guide me in being patient even in those times things are not going my way. help me to control my anger when it comes to my children. Thank you Lord for peace in you today! We love you Lord for lifting us up when we are down and humbling us daily! Thank you Father. Keep us lord. in Jesus name, Amen.