I GAVE UP!!

I GAVE UP the things that held me captive to the most darkest thoughts that kept me bound to deceit! I GAVE UP those things that simply angered me and knocked me clean off my feet! I GAVE UP those past hurts lies and the feeling of ultimate defeat, In order to RECIEVE I GAVE UP those lonely nights cold and afraid, asking God to reign down on my life to feel the void, comfort my pain. I GAVE UP those inner feelings that kept me bound to unworthiness, guilt pain and shame! I gave up on those people who only spoke nasty things on my name. I GAVE UP to RECIEVE. RECIEVE, peace, Joy, Love and freedom to be. Learning to RECIEVE love instead of lifes constant storms and rain. Recieving the hope that someday my life would change, because I GAVE UP on the lost me in order to gain. I GAVE UP on your lies and your cheating ways. I GAVE UP on your promises and hurtful ways. I GAVE UP on the urge to hurt you the same. I GAVE UP to RECIEVE a brighter day! you can keep all of you lies, you can keep all your snide smiles, you can keep you broken promises.. you should be ashamed!!! I GAVE UP in order to prove that all in all you will always be the same!!! I GAVE UP on the old self in exchange for the new, cause the new me... well she just dont feel the same!!! I GAVE UP! Sometimes its not about giving up on the people around us, but more so about giving up on the person we are. Sometimes your own worst enemy is yourself. You allow the things that happen to you happen because you want them. It doesn't matter how you sugar coat it, if the stuff your going through in life is weighing you down 9 times out of 10 you allowed it to take existance over your life. Everybody's story is different but in some way we all relate. Just sitting here thinking about the mess I allowed to consume my life... You would think I should be ashamed! I'm not. BecauSe I gave up on those things holding me bondage! Heres a couple of examples. when I moved into my first apartment I thought I was the whipp okay... lol couldnt tell me nothing! Had sleep overs friends hanging almost everynight, We partying it up and at first I was doing good paying bills on time and on the right track till one day it was this outfit I wanted and I had to dig in the bill money, Then I was short and spiraled down hill form there. That eviction... yeah eviction, can't blame it on nobody but Erica. I gave up on the old her though.. Relationships.. lets not even go there.. gave up on that foolish girl too!!! Glad I did it!! lol. Sometimes we have to take a step back and stop blaming others for our downfalls and be Man/Woman enough to except that MOST of the time we are the way were are because we allowed it! I was telling my Husband today how proud of US I am.. We have come a very long way! Why? Because we gave up on the old man and put on the new man! I challenge you to evaluate your situations today! Ask your self.. Am I the cause of this broken relationship? Am I the cause of this finacial pitfall? Am I the reason I cant seem to get closer with God?!!! Can You give it up today??? Father, coming as boldly as I know how, I ask that you take over where we give up! God I ask that you go into the hearts of every reader and show them where they are in life. For those that are held captive to them selves and the ways that are not like you, Father show them a more excellent way! Lord, I ask that you continue to keep me humble on this journey Lord, I hear you saying to be bold in you, and to dig deep into the things that need to be touched upon! Father, please continue to show me the way and keep my pathway lit and straight! Father I ask that once you reveal your self in their life that they give up the old man and put on the new man leaving all of their passed in the past!! Father touch us like only you can, We love you Jesus for you are Lord of Lords and the King of all kings! Lead us to a more perfect way in Jesus name, Amen.

Learning to control my anger!!!

Hey Hey now!!!! It has been a minute... smh at my ownself! I have a hard time keeping focused, I don't know why... but none the less I promised God to keep this blog going soo... HERE I IS!!! lol When I was a kid I can't recall not even one time that I was angry.. well up until the age of twelve. I was always a happy kid, I was bossy as all get out but I was happy lol. Matter of a fact I dont think I was very angry even in my teen years. It wasnt until I became an adult that I realized I had an anger issue. There is one thing that I am ashamed of about myself, one flaw. I get angry very quick. at first I didn't know how to mask it or dumb it down. Like, if you upset me about something I would go from 0 to 1000 in 60sec. What really makes me ashamed of it is I totally black out. So things come out of my mouth that I will not remember unless I am told afterwards. Actions will occur before a thought of what I am doing will come into mind. Please note that this is not boasting or me trying to be tough, this is my truth and I hope that it reaches someone else with anger issues.. bare with me. My anger is alot of the time associated with family, death, my children, or my husband. These things are my triggers and unfortunately I can not sit here and say that I am completely set free of my anger issues, cause honey im not. I am however better than I was before. The first time I really noticed I had a problem was when my brother died. Most of the time I get angry over being hurt. I was very hurt when he died for a lot of very strong reasons, I will not go there cause I might get mad again lol. It was this time that I scared my aunt who had never saw me soo enraged and my husband but most importantly myself. After they played back the things that I said and the actions I took .... I was embarrassed. not because of what I had done or said to the person my anger was directed to but to the people in my life that watched me act like this. I remember someone saying to my husband tell her to stop, or get her, all he said he could do was let me get it out. I have a very strong memory always have, and I have developed a mechanism to somewhat control the anger I have. I watch ppl very closely, I observe manneurisms and things that are said and i store them to memory. Im very ashamed of it. Very. I have spoken to a counselor about it, but I have realized I have to give it completely over to God. I do not like to be associated with it. Sometimes people will joke about it to make light of the situation but it only makes me sad. Im being honest. I recently blew up, Ihad good reason how ever that doesnt make what I did right and immediately after the situation had deesculated I went into total embarrasment. I wont lie if the situation were to arise again I cant say I wouldnt act the same way again.. and that frightens me. to be honest I am ashamed even just writing this now. I know however that god gave this to me to give to some one else to let them know they are not alone. I am striving to be a better me everyday. to be christlike and slow to take offense. I remind myself daily that being angry and letting emotions choke you into anger are not christlike. I want to be just like Jesus. I will get there, just gotta keep pushing PRAYING UNTIL SOMETHING HAPPENS!! God has given me so many gifts and most recently he has given me peace. I am learning to let things roll off my shoulders, the little things that do not deserve my anger. People will push you daily just to see how far you go. I refuse to fold! this is my declaration that I will be a better woman of God, that I can turn the other cheek. You really dont know the weight lifting I feel right at this moment even in just writing this blog. God gave me this blog so that I could release. Thank you Father! Lets Pray. Father, I am so grateful for your love. For the peace you have given me, the joy that you have placed in my heart. Father I ask that you remove the anger that has built it self up in me and in my readers.. I pray that we learn to turn all negatives into positives and be a more loving people towards one another. Father I ask that you stifle my mouth in the face of adversity, give me the words to use to defeat the enemy without steppin out of character. Father guide me in being patient even in those times things are not going my way. help me to control my anger when it comes to my children. Thank you Lord for peace in you today! We love you Lord for lifting us up when we are down and humbling us daily! Thank you Father. Keep us lord. in Jesus name, Amen.